Yesterday, I went down to Murray to look for jobs. Well, I noticed a trend: either they weren’t hiring, or they looked like they weren’t hiring. I drove around Murray, looking at windows and going into different places, but it seems as if there weren’t any places that are hiring.
After going on that adventure (during which there was a torrential downpour), I did a couple of things before heading over to Murray State’s Newman House. One of the first things I did when I got there was going into the Chapel to pray.
Something I realized while I was in prayer was how much of a desire I have for “normal.”
I have this desire for a regular schedule. A home parish. A regular income. A set of friends I can see on a regular basis. Things I don’t exactly have at the moment.
I’ve pretty much been on the move ever since I graduated from university two months ago. Three trips, a family medical emergency, going back and forth between parents’ houses. It’s been a hectic summer and I want things to go back to normal.
But I think my definition of normal is still tainted by only knowing the school routine.
Summer break. Going back to school in August. Classes. Homework. Fall Break. Continued classes and homework. Thanksgiving break. Finishing the term. Christmas/Winter break. Back to school . Classes. Homework. Spring break. More classes and homework. Wrapping up the term. And back to summer break.
And I don’t know anything else. That was my normal.
And now that I’m out of college and no plans of going to grad school, this routine is no longer going to be the normal thing for me.
But as I was praying, I remembered something that has come up in the past: this may be God working in my life. This may be God’s way of getting my to move forward and develop my relationship with Him.
You see, I have struggled to trust God for quite some time. So that’s one thing that I have the feeling He wants me to work on. But also having the courage to trust. For I don’t think I can trust Him without having some courage to go along with it.
As if trusting God and having the courage to do it weren’t enough.
I think there’s a need for willingness. Willingness to put my plans aside and allow God’s plan to take first place. I mentioned in the post “July 9, 2018,” I have the desire for things to go the way I have planned. But, as I said, I have to have a willingness to put this need for control aside to see what God has planned for me.
Most of this does have to deal with my inner and personal relationship with God. But there is something that I need to work on in relation to the rest of the world:
I have the habit of thinking about what’s coming next and being in my imagination. Even to the point that I don’t fully emmersed into what’s going on around me in the moment. I don’t fully enjoy the moment, even when I’m not thinking about other things.
But I think I might know why.
I have experienced my share of hurt over the past 22 years. I don’t want to gain people’s sympathy for that, I’m just saying that my heart has had its share of beating. And because of that, I think my heart has become calloused and I’ve built up walls around my heart and my mind.
I don’t want to be fully present in the moment because I’m afraid that it’ll cause me anxiety or cause me to go into a funk. Or I’m afraid that if I get too invested, then I’ll get hurt again.
God only wants the best for me, so this is where the trust, courage, and willingness from earlier come in. I need to trust Him to not hurt me and to lead me where I need to be. And this trust probably requires me to be in the present to fully trust Him.
How can you work on your relationship with God?