Two things I’ve been dealing for the past few weeks are fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety about whether this site will work out the way I want it to. Fear and anxiety about being judged by others, especially those close to me. Fear and anxiety that the plan and dream I have will take a long time.
I’ve mentioned before about my impatience.
With my impatience, the fear and anxiety of everything I listed above seems to be even worse. I’m the type of person that is somewhat independent and wants to do things on her own. Yet with who I am and my past, I seek the approval of other people.
Not only that, but I have this idea in my head that there is a certain expectation for me now that I’m out of college. An expectation to get a stable job, move to my own place, find some friends, and find a normal routine.
Don’t get me wrong, I want those things.
But I also want to chase my dream. And my dream doesn’t quite fit with this mental idea of what I should be doing.
But that’s the thing:
This is another thing I need to work on: listening to God and what He wants me to do.
Back in June, I had the idea of creating a website and I had initially thought about the theme being Kentucky. But I had heard about writing/setting up a site around what you’re passionate about. I love my state, but I feel like I’m more passionate about my faith. All four years of university, I hung out at the Newman House (the Catholic Campus ministry). And on different occasions, I thought about working for the Church and prayed about becoming a nun/sister.
Needless to say, I have since found what I’m passionate about.
I enjoy writing and I am passionate about my faith and my Church (even though I’m still working through things. Who isn’t?) I don’t want to look back and ask “what if?” “What if I had tried doing the site?” “What would have come of it?”
And I think God placed this on my heart. I had thought about going into other jobs/careers and working on this on the side. But the idea of working on the site full time wouldn’t leave my mind. I don’t know if God keeps putting it on my mind and my heart for a reason, but I’m going to try it regardless.
There is something else that I keep in mind when it comes to my doubt.
Mother Teresa said this beautiful quote that I encourage you to look up. The jist of the quote is to do things despite society going against you. My favorite part of the quote is at the end, when she says:
What we do should not be heavily influenced by what society thinks. We should be worried about our relationship with God instead and what He thinks and wants us to do.
For in the end, it is He that decides our fate.