So this week has kind of been a growing experience for me. And there are quite a few things that have come up this week that relate to things that I’ve been dealing with for months.
I’ve been a Catholic pretty much my entire life, but I’m still learning and growing.
The first thing that stood out to me this week came when I was at Mass on Sunday morning. Our pastor was giving his homily on what’s going on and has been going on in the Church here recently. And he mentioned something along the lines of us being not really sure, as a Church, where things are going.
And this got my brain to thinking. And being in line with how my brain typically works, there were some pretty out there thoughts. But regardless of how ridiculous my thoughts got, there was one that’s worth noting:
If the Church needed to go underground, would I be willing to follow and break the law or social norm to practice my faith? It was then that I decided that I would stand with the Church regardless of what happens. For a long time, I’ve thought it would pretty darn cool to stand with the Church if such drastic measures needed to be taken. But this week, I’ve decided that I need to be serious about this kind of decision.
And this week, I’m deciding to seriously stand with the Church no matter what happens.
Not only am I standing with my Church, I’m sort of reintroducing myself to God.
Over the past few days, God has really been reaching out to me in prayer.
I’m going to be entirely honest with you that while in prayer on Tuesday, I broke down in tears. The reason why is because of an issue in my prayer and spiritual life that has been present for a while now. It’s that there’s this disconnect between my heart and my mind. I can logically understand that as a Catholic, I’m expected to believe in certain things. But my heart doesn’t entirely believe it.
And there is something that has been on my mind about this for a while and was kind of cemented Wednesday in prayer.
During college, I was an English Literature major, so I was taught to critically think about and analyze everything. And I think this is a good thing when speaking with people, learning about new things, and thinking about why we believe what we believe. But it gets dangerously in the way when it tries to interfere with my faith life.
And this ties to yet another thing that I’ve been dealing with for a while.
I know there are quite a few things that tie into this post. I just ask that you please bear with me for a little while longer.
Due to certain things in my past, which I might consider addressing in a later post, I have done one of two things. Or maybe even both.
I may have built up walls around my heart to keep people and emotions out. OR I have so far distanced myself from people and emotions that it takes a lot to reach me.
And over time, I feel like God has been wanting to get through my walls, but I’ve been keeping Him far enough at bay that I can pretty much remain the same.
There’s a picture on Pinterest I’ve seen here recently that basically says that there will eventually be a man that, as he takes down my walls brick by brick, will tell me that I no longer need walls because he’ll protect me with his. And I think this is what Jesus is trying to tell me. And I think He brought this to my mind in prayer yesterday.
And that got me on yet another train of thought.
And at this point you’re probably thinking:
I completely understand, and this is the last one before I wrap things up. I promise.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I’ve been Catholic pretty much my entire life since I was baptized as an infant. But getting to where I am today and getting to the starting point of truly believing what we believe as Catholics has taken me 22 years.
If it’s taken me 22 years to get to this point, I’ll probably still be learning things on the day I die.
And this process hasn’t been an entirely straight line. There’s been progress made as well as slides backward. And there’ll probably be plenty of that in the years to come.
All of this has a point, I promise.
I will always be developing and learning in relation to where I stand with the Church and my own spiritual life. And I’m at a point in my life where I think things are starting to change and possibly get more personal.
But the point of it all is that my entire life is going to be a learning experience.
With that, I hope you guys have a good and enjoyable weekend.
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