Monday night after I had lain down for the night, some thoughts went through my mind. And these thoughts were dealing with me being in an uncertain period in my life. Uncertainty with my job/career. Uncertainty with my prayer life. Etc, etc.
Even though I was having these thoughts, I knew God was there.
And I knew He was the one saying these things to me. Almost reassuringly.
And this makes sense.
Things have been uncertain for me since May or June 2018. I graduated from college without any solid plan of what I was going to do. I thought that I would get a job while working on my writing career. And I kind of took it easy for a little under a month after graduation due to travels with family.
But that got disrupted when we had a family emergency and my grandfather was sent to the hospital. We thought we were going to lose him, but we didn’t. Thank goodness. And during the month that he was in the hospital, I had the idea of freelance writing. So during June, I kick started that.
But I still didn’t have a solid plan.
At the end of June, I created this site and have since continued posting. And for the first few months, I was bending over backwards to make it work. And I had such big dreams for it.
But when I saw that it wasn’t having as big of results as I had hoped, I began to wonder.
I was anxious about how many hours I’d work in a day, week, or month. I was anxious about what other people thought of me and the decision I had made.
I didn’t feel the best about my choice. I felt like I was being judged. I felt like people would think I was lazy or wasn’t putting in the effort. I felt like I wasn’t where I needed to be at this point in my life. Heck, I graduated from college a few months ago and I still didn’t have a solid job.
When December arrived, I had an idea.
I would continue to work on the site until I returned from SEEK. Then I would go into freelancing after I returned. And I would still try to get this site off the ground. And I was excited. I so desperately wanted this idea/plan to work.
When I got back from SEEK, I signed up for two or three different freelancing sites where people or companies could hire freelancers. And by the end of that week, I had a job. Or so I believed.
But at the beginning of last week, I realized it was a scam and I was being used.
To be entirely honest, I had to reign in my pettiness as I broke it off with the scammer. But pettiness wasn’t the only thing there. Tears came to my eyes and I realized that I had been used. My trust in working online had been broken.
I wasn’t sure what I needed to do. But I was certain that I didn’t want to try finding a job that’s entirely online. Not after that entire shebang.
But, I got back up on my feet.
I started looking for and applied for a few different jobs. “Normal” jobs. Jobs where you have to physically show up.
Even then, I was confused. Uncertain.
I’d had a plan of moving back to Murray (my college town) and have my writing career based there. I would rent a place and go to church there at the Catholic church.
But with the scam, that plan had been shattered.
As I began looking for jobs, I didn’t know where or what to look for. I didn’t know what kind of job I wanted to look for. I didn’t know where I wanted to search. I didn’t know if I wanted to look in the Murray area, or try to find a job elsewhere. Like Paducah or Henderson.
But hope can still be found.
I went in for a job interview yesterday. We’ll see how it goes. If I get it, spectacular. If I don’t, then I’ll look elsewhere.
But after prayer yesterday, I came up with an idea that makes this okay: my original plan.
My current plan is to try to find a “normal” job while still working on this site and getting posts out to you guys.
You may be asking: That all sounds good, but what’s the point?
What I’m about to say is super corny, cliche, whatever you’d like to call it. But I think through it all, God has been there. I just haven’t been able to sense and use His presence in it all until I got back from SEEK. And I’m still struggling with Him. So please don’t think things are perfect in my prayer or faith life now. They’re not. Far from it, actually.
I just think that God’s heard my prayers, thoughts, and feelings over the past few months. And I think He may have provided me with a solution that will help alleviate my anxieties.
So, even though it’s cliche, keep praying. Keep trying. He’s working on it.