The world is full of many things and perspectives. And for quite some time, I’ve seen the world through your lenses.
And during this time, you’ve made me see the worst of myself and in many of the situations I’m in. You want me to believe that I’m not enough. That I’m not able to do things right. You want me to believe that I’m one move away from the worst possible scenario.
You make me believe that I am the worst version of myself. A bad Catholic. A bad employee. A bad family member.
Part of me wants to break away from you and your vicious cycle. But you’ve been such a presence in my life that I don’t know who I’d be without you. I don’t know what I’d do with the freedom your absence would provide. Would I still be the same person?
If I wanted to step towards that unknown freedom, where would I begin?
I don’t know how to start breaking down the walls you’ve been having me build up all these years. I don’t know how I’d begin trusting others. Especially without feeling like a burden. I don’t know how I would move on with my life. I wouldn’t know how to enjoy my life.
And because of you, I’m not where I want to be. For months, I’ve prayed to be where I am today. But because of you, I can’t always enjoy being here.
You’ve so often robbed be of sunshine and given me clouds and rain instead.
I want to break free of this and from you. And maybe one day, your hold on me will be less. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to call you out on your crap and move forward.
Until then, keep looking over your shoulder as you try to claim my brain entirely as yours.